#09: Facing the dark storm inside Cheeky C

What happened before: After their unexpected encounter on a dark, cold night in Toronto, Cheeky C and Great G decided to embark on a journey, each unknowingly with different destinations in mind. Cheeky C wants to discover her identity and purpose, while Great G aims to realize a vision of global health through the world of finance. The next day, they wander through Toronto, hoping to find initial clues. Bewildered, Cheeky C begins to question things that seem natural to us. At the lakeshore of Lake Ontario, she learns some facts about the power of banks and money that she had never considered before. However, it becomes increasingly evident that she has to confront internal struggles as well…

Cheeky C turns her face away so that Great G can’t see her tears. She feels so incomplete, so worthless. I don’t even know my name. And the walk through Downtown Toronto didn’t help at all. Frustration boils in her, together with endless desperation. She feels a gap, a longing in herself for something she doesn’t even know what it is… The gap widens and opens until it seems like an eternal black hole, sneeringly laughing at her, consuming everything else in and around her, sucking in every light and hope for betterment.

She feels a hand touching her shoulder. ‘Cheeky C?’

Even though the touch is very gentle, her body tenses, jumping into escape mode. Escaping from Great G, escaping from what is storming inside her… But there is no escape. She is trapped inside the black cage of emotions chasing her, making her scream internally. And trapped behind the cheeky mask she tries to uphold in front of Great G to not bother the friendly old lady too much with the problems inside her. They still sit at Harbourfront, with the sun moving slowly towards its afternoon position, illuminating the clouds that pass by.

‘Cheeky C, come back… Be kind to yourself. It will take time.’ Great G’s voice, compassionate. ‘Breathe out. Don’t keep it all inside you, poisoning the beauty in you.’ The old woman next to her takes a deep breath herself. ‘I understand what you are going through…’

Indeed, Great G’s voice sounds like sighing at distant memories within her elderly mind, a sighing that merges with the soft swoosh of the cold breeze that curls the water of Lake Ontario in front of them. ‘There is no escape, my dear… The only way out is through.’

The calmness and compassion of her travel companion help Cheeky C to bring her mind back to the present moment and ease the dark storm of self-reproach, dangerously close to self-hate, inside her. She swallows and takes a deep breath. ‘What do you mean? There is no escape?’

Her young eyes meet old eyes that seem to her like deep lakes leading to a sea ground with a landscape of both painful and pleasant memories of a long life that went past decades before her birth. Deep lakes covered by the mirror image of herself in Great G’s shimmering pupils. ‘There is no escape, my Cheeky Child. That means that you must face the dark storm inside you, pull it right in front of you, go right into its center, and fully feel the toxication it brings into you. In the center of the storm, you either break – or learn to break out.’

‘How can I break out?’ Cheeky C feels relieved and bewildered at the same time. Great G seems to know perfectly what has happened inside her without even asking Cheeky C about it, and even seems to know a solution for it. What happened in Great G’s past?

‘By digging a tunnel and vanishing in an epic escape overnight. Don’t forget to bribe the security guards and to apply to a Latin American drug lord’s gang afterwards. They help you to further master your breaking-out skills.’

‘You are joking.’

‘Of course I am. The words “break out” just triggered memories about my Latin America class at York University during my semester abroad when the teacher told us the most unbelievable prison-break stories… Forgive me. So, how to break out… It is through learning to love yourself.’

There is no escape, my Cheeky Child. That means that you must face the dark storm inside you, pull it right in front of you, go right into its center, and fully feel the toxication it brings into you. In the center of the storm, you either break – or learn to break out.

‘Loving myself? I don’t even know who I am, so how am I supposed to love myself? And I thought that was something for this romantic love relationship stuff.’ Cheeky C feels defensive and rejective against the thought, not knowing why. Somehow, the solution of her travel companion scares her. Even more afraid than the realization of the power of money on society and everyday life she had minutes ago.

‘Well, you can still go for the Latin American drug lord’s method if you like that one more…’ Great G smiles at her. ‘It’s okay that you are hesitant and afraid.’ Damn. How did Great G know?

‘You will figure it out, be patient’, Great G continues. ‘It will take you time. This is your own journey, the journey through yourself. I can give you guidance, but not the path itself. There are a few things that you can do to face the dark emotional storm and lack of happiness inside you. I will tell you one thing today.’

Great G takes a deep breath and pauses for a second. ‘It’s a mental game. The first thing that helps is to acknowledge that everything is temporary. Whatever you feel inside you, it will go. Things will become better one day. Keep telling that to yourself as a mantra whenever you feel overwhelmed by the emotions and doubts inside you. Everything is temporary.

Acknowledging that everything is temporary frees you from the feeling of being stuck and trapped in the current situation without ever being able to change it. This, in turn, helps to calm down and clear your mind as it eases the feeling of existential threat to your self.’

Great G suddenly opens her burgundy coat and pulls out a set of poker cards. The paper of the wrapping box is scuffed, the colors fainted, as if she had pulled it out many times in the past. She flips through the cards. ‘Here. Take this one. The back will help you to remember.’

Cheeky C turns the card around, it is a red ace heart. Everything is temporary, reads the paper, in clear, accurate hand-written letters.

‘It is something I made to look at whenever I feel I need life advice. I carry it with me all the time. Now it is time to pass it on to the right person, someone who deserves and values what is given to them.’

Cheeky C’s heart stumbles. A gift! For me! Full of care… How can I ever give back equally? I will give back for sure when the time comes… ‘Thanks! I will try… Do you know any kind of walk to another bank that can help?’ Cheeky C meets Great G’s wise smile with a grin. A cheeky one. I have back control over my emotions… Help, this is all so scary. I really need to find out who I am soon, with Great G or alone…

‘Of course, I know. You are with a person that has “Great” in her name… While many banks do bad with money and the power of money, there are also some that do good with it. This is what I call the heart and art of social banking.’

Cheeky C feels how a surge of new curiosity pushes the sadness and fear in her aside. ‘Social banking? What’s that? And they do good with the power of money, more than the big banks we have seen so far? How that?’

In front of Lake Ontario, two smaller but much deeper lakes turn to Cheeky C. She can again see her image mirroring in the shimmering surface of Great G’s elderly eyes, a small girl with two honey-brown braids, pale skin, and a tensed body emitting uncertainty and determination at the same time. Great G pulls out her phone.

‘Let’s start booking our plane tickets. We must go to Europe to make you understand.’